How to Forgive a Person Who You Have a Grudge Against

Nobody wants to forgive and forget as much as the person who has been hurt.  The idea of reconciling with someone you used to be close with is very enticing — perhaps even something you need to feel complete again.  However, you may find it difficult to forgive and forget what someone has done, especially if this person has deeply hurt you in a physical or emotional way.  How can you begin the forgiveness process and truly be genuine about it?

First, try to understand that holding a grudge, and choosing not to forgive, only hurts you.  It doesn’t hurt the person who has inflicted the pain, but makes your life more miserable.  Holding a grudge has a negative effect on your health and makes you an unhappy person, even around other people. 

Understand that you don’t have to like what happened with the other person in order to forgive and move on.  However, you must forgive them in the sense of moving beyond the hurt you feel.  You must come to terms with it, accept it and then decide to stop reacting to it. 

It is important to note that this is not the same as letting them off the hook.  It is understanding that that need you have to make them accountable is not healthy, and in the long term it accomplishes nothing and hurts only you.  Understand that choosing to forgive someone is not an immediate process, but one that may even take years.  The important part is that you are on the road to recovery.

Next, confess and confront your grudge.  Make a list of everything that has happened and say out loud or write down exactly how it makes you feel.  You may even confront the person that has hurt you and express how you feel.  If you don’t like confrontations, write everything in a letter and mail it to the other person.  After this, say goodbye to the pain, as if to forgive.  Let it go.  Whether you choose to remain friends with the other person is your choice.  However, you must let the anger go and forgive the other person, having put everything out in the open.

If you are still finding it hard to forgive a person or are reliving bad memories, talk to a counselor or therapist and tell them some of what you are feeling.  Overall, you must forgive someone not for their sake, but for your own.