How to Help Someone Who Recently Lost a Child

Trying to help someone who is grieving the loss of their child is difficult because it is impossible for most of us to really understand what that person is feeling.  We may believe that we could imagine what it feels like, but there is no way that you can understand unless you’ve gone through such a loss.

 

The most important thing you can do is to let the person know that you are there for them. Any bereavement councilor will tell you that listening is often the most important factor as a friend.  No matter what it is that the person wants to talk about, be there to listen.  People grieve and deal with death differently, and you have to understand that they might not want to talk about their child at first, or even at all. 

 

The most important thing is not to try to hard.  It is also important not to give them advice unless they ask for it.  You are there to listen, not to interject your opinion, and certainly not to tell someone how to grieve the loss of their child.  If they do want to talk about their child and remember him or her, be there to listen and let them know that the child is still a part of their life and always will be. 

 

When talking about your friend’s child, do not dwell on their death and absence.  Instead, recall your favorite memories of the child, and bring over any personal photos you may have to give as a gift.  These will be particularly valuable to your friend if you have a story to go with each snapshot.  For a personal gift that is sure to be treasured, write short memories on the back of each photo, or buy a scrapbook from a craft store and mount the photos in the book, along with some handwritten funny/ touching stories about the child.

 

One big thing you can do right away is to take care of some of the other things in the person’s life.  The last thing that they will want to do is go to the grocery store or do household chores, especially with the risk of running into people they know.  You can help by running their errands and doing their chores, so they can have alone time without having to worry about mundane duties.  You could also pre-prepare some healthy meals for them and freeze them in advance, or offer to stop by every day after work with a fresh meal from their favorite take-out. 

 

Be aware that doing ‘normal things’ like cleaning house, cooking or doing laundry may  seem insurmountable while your friend is going through the grieving process, and your help with even the smallest of chores will be the very best thing you can do for them.

 

If their child died of a disease such as cancer, help them set up a donation site in the child’s name, and donate the proceeds to a cancer foundation that works for a cure for the disease.  This will make your friend feel like they are doing something useful in their child’s name, and giving back to the world.  There are hundreds of websites out there that will let you register the child’s name and set up a personal page for them, add photos, create a guest book, and supply a place where people can securely donate.  Email all your friends and ask them to make a small donation of whatever they can afford.

 

When your friend is ready, help them to adjust to life without their child.  Ask them what they need and make sure that you are there to help them, whether it is to have someone come over to talk or just to help them get out of the house for a while.

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