How to Talk to Your Children About Your Separation

Separation and divorce are stressful times for anyone going through them, but these relationship issues are most painful and confusing for children.  It doesn’t matter the age of your children, they are going to have uncertain and upsetting feelings about what is happening, and it is important that both parents take the time to talk with them about the changes that are coming. 

 

It is never easy, but with open communication, you will be able to give your children a better idea of what is happening, and how they can cope.

 

Always Be Honest

 

Firstly, you need to be honest about the reasons for the separation without going into too much detail.  You can tell them that Mommy or Daddy can’t get along anymore and that you don’t feel for one another the way a mother and father should. 

 

Tell Them You Both Still Love Them

 

Make sure that you let the children know that you still love them and that the separation is not any fault of theirs.  Let them know that you will still be a big part of their lives and that both parents are still friends and will always be there for them.

 

Prepare in Advance

 

Also, it is important that you start the conversations with your children before one parent leaves.  Don’t make the announcement when the other parent is ‘safely’ gone – your child will feel angry that they were not involved in the decision, and may feel abandoned.  They may even run away in an attempt to “bring back” the missing parent.

 

Establish One Home Base For the Kids

 

Come up with a plan for both of you to be able to spend time with the children at your separate addresses, but make sure that the kids have one permanent home so they do not have to shuffle from one house to another all of the time.  If their toys and possessions are split between two homes or constantly shipped back and forth, your children will feel lost and rootless, and may resent the constant disruption of their familiar surroundings.

 

Don’t Argue in Front of Them

 

Most importantly, whenever you and your spouse are in front of the children, refrain from fighting and arguing.  This might be difficult, but you have to think of your children and how they feel rather than how important it is for you to express your own feelings.  If you have a short fuse, consider seeing a professional relationship therapist once a week, to let you safely blow off your anger and work through your feelings away from your children.


Let Them Talk Through Their Fears

 

It is also important that you let your children talk through their own feelings and fears over the matter so you can help reduce as much pain and discomfort as possible.

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