How to Communicate With a Secretive Child

A secretive child is one who is not shy, but is not willing to provide parents, siblings or even friends with basic information about what he or she is doing, thinking or feeling. 

 

In most cases, children will share these things with parents or other family members because it seems natural to do so.  In other situations, the boy or girl may have a reason for hiding what is happening, such as a fear of what would happen if found out.

 

Short Term Secretiveness

 

If you feel your child is being secretive all of a sudden, ask questions.  In a casual and non-judgmental way, tell your son or daughter that talking about feelings, thoughts or actions is important.  Communicate that you just want to help or to be a part of his or her life.  By saying this, you can lay the groundwork for improved communication.


Long Term Secretiveness

 

If your child is habitually secretive, they could have an underlying issue or fear that you need to work to find out and deal with.  Here are some tips that can help you get through to a long-term secretive child:

 

* Always ask questions with open-ended sentences – ask questions that can’t simply be answered “yes” or “no.”

 

* Take notice of activities that could be related, such as lying, stealing or hiding.  If this occurs, ask why or look into causes.

 

* Get to know your child’s teacher, school friends and other acquaintances.  Be an active parent so that it is difficult for things of concern to remain hidden.

 

* Be positive.  If you want your son or daughter to talk to you, be approachable.  Don’t grill them in an attempt to get an answer; they will just withdraw more.  Work on being more approachable, and let them come to you in their own time.

 

* Be sure he or she knows you will forgive mistakes and help them through the good and the bad.  If you previously heaped a harsh punishment on your child or their siblings, talk about the punishment and ask your child if he or she thought it was deserved.  They may often start to ‘feel you out’ about the new misdeed they are scared or worried about.  In this case, be flexible and relatable; be open to sharing your own mistakes.


Getting Help

 

Keep in mind that there is a big difference between a shy child and one that is hiding something.   Be sure you keep the door open for discussion and support your child’s feelings rather than ignoring, mocking or criticizing them.   Doing so will only case them to withdraw even more.

 

In the case of chronic secretiveness combined with depression or general disengagement from the family, consider enlisting the help of a family friend or even a school psychologist to get to the bottom of things.  Your child may be more willing to talk to a stranger from whom he or she does not fear punishment or disapproval.

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