How to Mend Your Relationship With Your Dad on Father’s Day

If you haven’t spoken to your father in years, you may find yourself dreading Father’s Day.  Maybe you had a big argument, or perhaps you just never got along together.  Regardless, if you want to fix your relationship with your father, Father’s Day may give you the inspiration you need to begin. You don’t need to pay a fortune to see a family counselor together, you just have to be willing to roll up your sleeves and take the first step.

Make the Call

The first place to start is the most obvious: a phone call.  Give your father a call this Father’s Day and keep the conversation light.  Talk about how he’s doing, work, sports, movies, etc.  Don’t bring up any arguments or touchy subjects. When the conversation ends, let him know that you’d like to keep talking to him. Offer to take him out out to lunch at a restaurant for Father’s Day to continue the conversation.

Greeting Your Father

Depending on how disconnected you are from each other, how you greet you father when you see him may vary.  If it feels appropriate, give him a hug; a handshake would do if it’s been a long time.  During lunch, let him know that you don’t have any hard feelings towards him.  Tell him you want to fix things.  He might want to bring up feelings from the past – let him.  If he has feelings of withheld anger, that will just make him keep his distance from you.  After he’s had his say, ask him if he can get past that.  If you know that the strain on your relationship was your doing, swallow your pride and apologize.  He might be ready to move on, or he might not.  If not, let him know that you understand, and that you have moved on, and hope he can do the same.  Try again in the future if you are still hopeful.

Have Patience

Even if your father does want to mend your relationship, it’s going to take time. Friendships don’t happen overnight, and neither will this, even though you are biologically related.  Do activities that you both enjoy.  More lunch dates are never a bad idea, and an afternoon of football and beer is a great way to bond.  If you’ve had children in the time you haven’t spoken with each other, introduce him to them at a public event like a sporting match or school play.  Things may at first be awkward, or even stressful.  You may worry about how he reacts to everything you do.  Relax!  A study on friendship at the University of Michigan shows that both friends and family members annoy each other less as they age.  It’s easier for you and your father to get along with each other now that you are older.

Make the Effort

Understand that you initiated this process of healing, and not him.  You are the one trying to get the relationship up and running.  It may feel one sided, but that’s something that you really have to deal with.  Show him you care, even if he doesn’t show it back.  Most likely, you’ll have to set up every get together for a long while.  Take responsibility for the relationship and don’t resent the extra work you are having to do. You may well get a father out of it.

As previously stated, your father may not be open to any meeting.  He may get angry on the first phone call.  If he refuses to see you, respect his wishes.  It’s heartbreaking when someone you love won’t see you, but remember: you’ve prepared emotionally for this.  He hasn’t.  Give him time to adjust to the idea of getting back together.  In the meantime, make a habit of calling every once in a while to see how he’s doing. Eventually, the walls of pride and resentment will fall, and you and your father can hopefully have a healthy, loving relationship again.