Why Men Seem to lack Empathy in a Relationship

Ever get the feeling that every male in your life is on a different planet – one that breeds stubbornness as the #1 characteristic?  Whether it be your brother, father, uncle, boyfriend, or male friend, why does it seem sometimes that every male lacks that critical empathy that seems so necessary to healthy relationships?

I remember when I was twelve playing at the park with my brother.  Showing off, he hung upside down on the monkey bars, tempting fate.  When karma finally kicked in, he lost his grip and fell.  His thin arm broke his fall.  A quick moment of silence and then a scream – all hell broke loose.  Mothers from half a mile came running spurred by their instincts hoping it wasn’t their precious child that had been injured.  He was fine, just a broken arm.  I was more amused than concerned, especially when the girls in his class came rushing around to shower him with ‘get well soon’ cards and candies. 

My point is that even at age twelve, I seemed to lack the compassion that those girls so eagerly showed off.  Was I just an unfeeling brute, or was there something deeper inside all men that makes them a bit more rigid in feeling compassion for their fellow humans than the opposite sex?

How Men React to Another Person’s Pain

When women see other people in pain, they feel empathy for that person’s suffering.  They react with compassion and warmth.  They will rally around, bring a batch of fresh cookies from the bakery or just bring over a movie rental to watch with the other person to help them forget their troubles.  Men on the other hand seem to lack compassion for others, whether it be their family member in pain or that poor little cartoon kitten on TV who has to beg for food.

Men seem to approach situations with a completely different mindset than women.  Rather than empathizing with a hurt person and putting ourselves in their shoes to offer comfort and support, we instinctively look for the quickest solution.  We see you cry, we want to figure out what made you sad and eliminate it.  Someone insulted you?  I’ll beat them up!  You think you look fat?  Then lose weight!  We are so focused on finding a solution to your tears that we sometimes forget to sit beside you and offer you a tissue to help you dry them.

How Women React to an Upset Person

Women who see another woman upset will offer support and help them vent until they feel better.  Men aren’t interested in this, they just want to bypass all the talking and weeping and find a quick solution to the problem that caused the tears in the first place.  Our empathy does not come in the form of emotional identification and support.  It comes from trying to get rid of the problem.  This is our form of compassion.  This is how we view problems.

The moral of this story is that if your man has reacted in a seemingly cold way to you when you’ve been upset or hurt, don’t take it to heart.  It’s not a matter of your man lacking compassion; it’s a matter of how he expresses his emotions.  That stalwart approach to difficulties isn’t hardheadedness; it’s just an analytical approach to life rather than an empathetic approach. 

The point I’m making is that men and women have two very different perspectives on how they deal with a person who is hurt or upset.  The best way to get on the same page with your man is to communicate.  Let him know that you don’t really want him to fix the problem that upset you – you just want him to understand your pain and offer support.  Once he understands that, then the two of you may finally be on the same level.